05.03 Swim, Listen, Surender

Sometimes we get caught up in a current and the next thing you know we are swimming.  Sometimes this is awesome. Sometimes it is confusing or scary.  It is interesting to notice how we respond to these scenarios.

I used to live on the east coast and I had a house right across the street from the beach and it was amazing.   I claim the Gulf of Mexico as my home, but I am very fond of the Atlantic ocean too.  I like its considerable power and size and coolness and mystery.  The waves are just right.  It was the perfect body of water for me to relate to in my 20’s.

Once I stood at the edge of the ocean with a friend and we were admiring a boat that was prolly half a mile out.  He and I used to swim together weekly.  We looked at each other and looked at the boat, we smiled - we jumped in the water and swam out to the boat.  

Swimming out from the shore is awesome.  It is easy to feel powerful and brave.  There are big waves coming toward you and you just duck and swim and get out there.  I love scenarios that require courage, determination and force - that is pretty much my sweet spot.  Stillness and yielding is a whole different scenario.

Once we got to the boat, we shared an awkward moment with the boaters, said hello and turned around to go back to shore.

That was a different kind of swim.

I was doing what I do - fighting the ocean trying to get back- and that strategy was never going to work.  I mean…you can’t really fight the ocean.  Realizing how the current kept pulling me back I just swam harder and harder until I could no longer continue with that strategy.  After several moments of panic, I began to listen, to notice the ocean to see what it was doing, I began to notice my body in the ocean.  

I realized that I needed to let go.  I had to stop trying to control things.  I had to abandon my expectations and float.  The ocean would eventually deliver me to shore.

We never really know what were are going to find out about ourselves, our bodies, our environment until we take some time and listen.

When we practice yoga, remember that we can decide to participate in a flow, but always, we must be careful to not get lost in it.  We have to maintain and develop the ability to listen to our bodies and decide what it needs.

This is true for yoga as it is true for pretty much every other moment in our lives.

04.18 Beach Body

Everything in this photo is perfect...

The sand is perfect, the water is perfect, the sky is perfect, the setting sun is perfect, the child is perfect, and the mother is perfect.  All bodies are just as they should be.

Let's get honest.  It is more than a little scary to put a photo of myself in a bathing suit on the internet.  I see women who can show their non-conforming bodies with casual courage and they try and call others out and let us know that its ok.  I see you, I bow to you, I have deep gratitude to you and I am taking your leadership to heart.

Every shred of information that I have obtained about female bodies in my early life stated that a person basically has no right to enjoy their body at my size.  I shouldn't get to wear bathing suits, feel the sand and sun and water, I shouldn't move in a way that draws attention to my body.

I have found a lot of peace through my yoga practice and counseling, and finding new and cool ways to employ my body, notice my strength and participate in the world.  But I haven't found enough to not panic when I see a photo of myself.  

I want to say this out loud, because I think that there can be a lot of pretense in the discussion around body positivity.  Yes our bodies are perfect and just right, but I have to assume that many many many of us fight hard to remember this on a daily basis.

Whenever I feel that my body is wrong or that big is wrong.  I think of elephants.  I love elephants.  The are huge, and sweet, and powerful and tender.  They are perfect and beautiful. They harbor no shame.  They traverse the earth with an unchallenged understanding that they belong.  An elephant would not be surprised by herself in a mirror.  She would have no expectations that she should be different.

The way I apply my yoga practice to my body is that I allow myself to observe.  I let the panic of imperfection arise.  I practice non-attachment.  I come back to my breath and stay there letting the panic dissipate in its own time.  When the panic is gone, I am still there, my breath is still there and body is still there. Rinse and repeat.

04.13.17 Dharma Talk : Blaze

Do you know that Marion Williamson Quote about “…we don’t fear that we are inadequate but we are powerful beyond measure”?  Well, it’s true.

It can be hard to remember that the space that we take up in the world doesn’t necessarily belong to someone else.  Shining our light as bright as possible doesn’t diminish anyone.  It is uplifting and illuminating those around us.

For me, I could not tell for many many years that my mind or thoughts were worth sharing.  Being sure about one’s self was not really a thing that girls and women did in my family.  

Growing up I was a fat kid - not an athlete.  I began to believe that pretty quickly.  I never identified as someone with substantial physical ability.  I placed no value in my body.  I tried to be a singer.  It seemed like something that a girl with a fat body and a pretty face could do.  

That didn’t work.

When I was in my 20s I learned to swim.  I have never been fast, but I learned to swim really well for hours at a time.  I still didn’t feel like an athlete if my body didn’t look athletic.

I learned yoga, I loved it, it felt good.  I never felt like it was good enough because i didn’t look like a yogi. 

Weirdly, the place where I really found myself  standing the most confidently in my body was at a cross-fit  style gym when I learned how to lift.  My body was so strong and muscular and sturdy and capable that I couldn’t turn away from from its power.  I could never again not see myself as an athlete.

I mentioned earlier today while promoting the class on social media. That we only have one job and it is to blaze.  And we don’t have to leave our bodies behind to do this.  We get to construct and tend to our inner fire and make it as powerful and hot and lustrous as we can manage.  

In yoga one of the things we do with our bodies and minds is practice building capacity for tending to that fire.  Allowing it to fuel us but not devour us.

04.06 Dharma Talk : A Piece of Peace

Whatever way you have come to this place (room, mat, family, planet earth, pose) and however you are experiencing it is a just right way to experience it.  

I feel quite urgent at times about this class (Every Body class).  I see what it does to all of us individually and as a collective  when we are battered with judgements tell us we are too fat, to thin, to old, to young, too loud, to diminutive, we take up too much space, we don't advocate for ourselves adequately, we are too gay, too black, too other, to political, to complicit.  If any of this bullshit gets into our hearts, it makes a mess and it becomes hard to see ourselves.

These guidelines for our existence are very very narrow and make our lives impossibly small.  I find it heartbreaking to see anyone (including myself) buy into any of the above staements.

We cannot rely on our feelings to tell us how well things are going.  They are just not that reliable. They have been co-opted and manipulated by a great many outside forces.  There are times when it makes perfect sense to dive into those feelings and give them space to express.  But here, in our yoga class we are doing something else.  We are showing up, being here, breathing and existing.  We are doing this without the pressure of external or internal expectations.

We come here and peel off the layers of expectation, identity, shape, thoughts and just exist.  We do this because we deserve it.  

Have you ever seen a super relaxed baby?   A baby who hasn’t been told to be or do anything?  A young human who is just delighted to be exploring the world around them?  Think about watching a baby discover their body or their ability without disappointment or anxiety. I think that is the goal for this class - to reconnect with the feeling of being a happy baby - which we all were at some point.

I can say that personally, I find this difficult. I can’t remember myself as a contented and relaxed baby - instead I  feel certain that I was organizing people from the very beginning.   I just have to go on faith that I was a contented and relaxed baby for at least some period of time.

One day, I was in a humongous lake in North Carolina.  One of those lakes that are made by damming up a river, so it is crazy deep and still.  The surface of the lake was  near the peaks of the mountains. My family was riding around on a pontoon boat and I asked to be let off the boat.  I jumped off a boat, the boat sped away to do something fun and there I was in this lake at the top of the smokey mountains, all by myself. Floating.  Once the boat wake and engine hum left me, I could see the reflection of the mountain tops in the water.  

It. was. so. quiet.

It was a fantasy of stillness.  It was unbelievable.  It was beautiful. It was a moment I had wanted for most of my life.  It was terrifying. 

I was a total mess.  I couldn’t relax i couldn’t be quiet. I couldn’t decide if I should float or swim.

Sometimes the peace we seek is an experience we are not prepared for.  We need to build our ability to stay in these moments.  We need to become accustomed to leaving behind all of those judgements of ourselves and observe the naturally occurring peace within.

On your mat today, look for a space where you can withdraw the senses and go inward - find a piece of peace and stay there for as long as you can.  

04.07 Building Structure

Every Body Yoga has been happening for about a month now. And for the past month, I have been struggling with the format of the class.  It was really hard to say how to best serve my students until I saw who they were.

I think I figured it out and this is what we can expect at an Every Body class.

1.  A thoughtful dharma talk with direct and inclusive language pertaining to every body
2. Chanting and pranayama or meditation
2. Gentle warm ups
3. Foundational alignment focused asana
4. A solid chunk of restorative poses

I am hoping that people can show up as they are and practice acceptance with every breath.  

See you there.