I feel like I had a good run of a couple years where things started to click for me. I was taking myself seriously in a whole new way, I felt like I was winning. I was in my body, I was strong, I could understand that I was not only surviving but that there might be an upward trend.
My kid was doing great, my husband got sober, I was feeling important and satisfied in my job. I was concerned about the world but was living in the hope and change administration and could maintain optimism that wisdom, diplomacy, and a collective will to survive would prevail.
The last couple years feel like one continues long day and I can’t yet sleep.
Two days ago, the downstairs of my house flooded and I ran around freaking out trying to save all my shit. I was yelling at my kid to move faster, she was terrified. My husband called and she told him “Dad, you have to get home now, things are really bad”.
Pause. Generally speaking, I am the person in my relationship that holds reality in place. Except for that time, I threw a waffle iron at the wall in a fit of rage (not sorry about it either), I am almost always, the voice of calm. This is my greatest co-dependent super-power.
So, my husband said to me, “Stop freaking out. It is just stuff. Cecilia is scared. Pop some popcorn, bring it to the couch, snuggle her under a blanket and watch a movie. You can’t stop what is happening”. In that moment, I saw myself perhaps for the first time.
I am so smart and so strong and so capable of everything except letting go and because of this the world has become overwhelming and my need to control everything around me (except myself) is breaking my life.
I have had several moments of clarity in the last couple months. I have seen myself frozen like a bug in amber waiting to see what everyone else is going to do before I decide for myself what is good for me. I am letting everyone take the good stuff and making the best of the energetic left overs. Nobody is asking me to do this, but this is consistent with my training.
I haven’t been able to write in a terribly long time. Whenever I try, I just get worried and can’t think. Meditation has been much harder for the same reason.
Being in my body is nearly impossible and I cannot express in words how sad this makes me. I fought so hard to make my way to my body, to get out of my head and appreciate how amazing my body is. My yoga practice is slipping and I haven’t been under a barbell in months. I find the idea of cardio terrifying. I am very food addicted right now.
I want my body back. I want my mind back. I want my energy back.
The problem is, I don’t think my patented strategy of just doing hard stuff and pretending it’s no big deal is going to work. So, I need help. I do not need advice. I need constant reminders that I can show up for myself. I need to know that showing up is more important than looking good/capable. I might need to practice gross incompetence. I would like to be held in the highest esteem while doing this. It will be hard to remember that my value as a human is not performance based.
I have been so tricked by patterned optimism, that being honest with myself has become very hard and there has never been anything more important to me.
I know that there are people in this world who really see me. There are people who have been watching and want me to win. It is one of the greatest blessings of my life that I have amassed a huge army of high-quality allies. To all of you, I would ask this: If you see me struggling, come be with me. Remind me that you think I can win.